Say What You Mean ..

... and mean what you say, goes the expression. In an attempt to soften the impact of a direct feedback to a colleague over a piece of work, I resorted to innuendoes instead of saying exactly what I meant. I was reminded that this was not the first time but I replied that I had meant it in jest previously with no mischief or malice. I thought long and hard after the friendly exchange and admitted there was no excuse. It was simply a case of bad habits, and a delicate balancing act of using proxies to get the message across as opposed to saying it as I meant, outright.

I want to state categorically that I had no intention to demean my good colleague - one who I had relied upon for many of the successes at work. And if there was even a tinge of pain caused by it, I offer my apologies with a deep sense of remorse and regret.

One of the findings of the 360 degrees review on me was the remark by my officers (who report to me) that I don't usually given them feedback on their work or deliverables. Put simply, I did not offer my views whether the quality of work was up to mark or otherwise. However there were also many positive remarks about me, one worth mentioning was that I trusted them as professionals and therefore did not "breathe down their neck" for progress or updates to keep to deadlines.

On reflection I do admit that I am the "suffer in silence" type, often prefering to live with what's given although it may requires a major rework. Ironically, I do give feedback or comments on quality of work to a very few - and they are those that I consider them not as mere colleagues, but confidants. And I hasten to add because I value them immensely, I do not have the heart to express my disappointment or frustration outright. Hence the creative innuendoes, and it had backfired on me this morning.

Some people are better at writing rather than speaking. It is now evident that I expressed better in writing than saying it out aloud, particularly at close range. With writing, there is time to select the most appropriate words and sequence it to make an elegant arrangement. The spoken word is hazardous, and I am reminded of the Malay proverb, terlajak perahu boleh ditarik, terlajak kata buruk padahnya - it simply means that we cannot retract what we have said, quite apart from its undesirable consequences. What more with the incomprehensible "you only know what you said after it had been said" instinct, followed by the "why did I say that in the first place?" aftermath.

This explains the Hadith, "Whoever believes in Allah and His Messenger should say that which is useful or keep silent."

The art of reprimand or giving (negative) feedback calls for the use of the right words and saying it right, and not to mention with the right intentions. Conventional wisdom suggests that the most effective way to give feedback for self-improvement or development is by turning the negatives into positives.

But all positives (instead of the initial negatives) may misrepresent what was initially a quality deficit or shortfall into a praise or plaudit instead.

Alas, I am not any wiser.
Perhaps I should just stick to say what I mean, and mean what I say.